im hungry
pissed off
sick of fucking tafe
poor
no money for meds
miky wont talk to me cos his a fucking asshole
and everyone else on msn is a stupid cunt
SO IM FUCKING ANGRY
fucking whore slut cunt fuccccccccccccck

another slit wrist
serena won today
short lived happiness
another slit wrist
i no longer care

its funny
my life on the outter doesnt seem so bad
but
however on the inside im screaming
im sad
im worn out
im tired
and
alone
one thing i am more then any other
im angry
im angry at myself
im angry at my family
im angry
and i want something badly
but i dont know how to achieve it

i find im angry and sad
i dream of the day
when i dont force a smile
but i smile

i want to die
i do consider who will care
THEN i recall
im alone

would it be noticed...No
would my "friends" care...No

im forced to fake a smile everyday of my life
and no one will ever understand the pain i feel inside
the hurt i cause myself

for i am alone
im nothing
nobody

should i be gone

isnt it funny that no matter how much some you love
treats u like absolute shit....and u stand for it
no matter what you do its never good enough
and they keep pushing you closer to the edge

the tears, the blood, the screaming, the pain
and your still there....


WELL

you can get fucked

I FUCKING HATE YOU

this is a little something i wrote last night
its not the best, bit immature, but accurate
will be up on my website once i have finished re desigining it, with my drawings and other poems let me no what ya think!
matty xoxoxox

Reflection
I choked once
not for long enough

I slit the tightness of my wrist
but not deep enough
im still here

I wrapped a belt
tight, adjusted for me
pulled and pulled, what a
burning sensation, eyes expanding
I let go
Not long enough, not my time

I rejected the food
death would bless me, hunger
would not make me weak
I rejected the food, to
punish my body, to
punish myself

I cut deep into my thigh,
blood crimson dark and flowing
trickled to the white tiles
I watched
shaking, angry, I did it
to punish myself, to
punish who im becoming

I choked once. I was twelve, but
not for long enough.

Matty J

see this is what happend
i was laying in bed and suddenly it occured to me
i should just end it
all i could think about was just maybe it would make some small difference to the people around me
*less stress for miky
*less bother for tafe
*less annoyance for my mum and sister
i hate miky so much for breaking my heart i was thinking maybe i should just go there and yell at him grab my box cutter (i have several stashed away) and just slice open my wrist i no how i am in a fit of rage i would do it
if i didnt take my meds for 2 weeks all those feelings which have been firewalled by the lithium and fluoxetine would all come flooding back i would do it!
i hate him yet not enough to make him see that! i think maybe its cos its pretty shameful in the end would it really achieve anything ?
i love miky at the same time! his the support ive never had, my family couldnt give me love yet some way this tiny lil strange frenchman is able to! his who i turn to! i no it would affect him not only seeing me slash my skin apart but he would have blood on his carpet he would hate me lol
its funny he cares about me but not enough to care for my memory to care so much as to put it before his carpet!
i just wana do it
im not depressed
im on my meds
im happy at tafe
i have some friends
me and mum and sarah are all getting along fine
i have lil joshi who i adore so much id love to watch him grow up
but i cant see the point in continuing
WHY
to struggle ?
to be a shit kicker?
oh yay
lead the life ive despised my whole life
that of normality
the solitude i long for i shall not recieve unless that is thru death
but how
plastic bag around my head when im to drunk to care?
plastice bag around my head after i have taken my bottle of pills ?
ill drown in my vomit how fitting
a bag around my head and a belt around my neck to secure it some sleeping pills
and whola we have solitude

well
lets start with im dirt poor its rather amusing to me
i only have wheat bix and $10 till wednesday AND its only thursday ahahaha
life is a whore :D
i had a speech other day at tafe and i went well :) i didnt even get nervous so i didnt shake yayness
ummm the boy i like likes sum1 else lol but its all good
its mikys birthday 2morrow :) but i wont get to see him till next thursday which is just gay! but im gonna get him a lil muffin with a candle in it and he will be lkike awww ur so sweet and ill be all like yeah i no right
ahahahahahahaha
its so hot im sweating like a whore during rush hour
im so not happy
i have tafe 2morrow yayness i get to see roxy SHE IS AWESOME
and its my literature class
i love literature its the bomb
like seriously

anyways im gonna have a wank :D then a shower
txoxoxox

tafe is going so well :D
i just got the left side of my lip pierced :D
and my nephew is sooo beautiful!
as for boys im still single
its a pity all the str8 guys cant see past my sexuality and be friends with me
but hey i have all the hot girls :D
ERIN AND CAT are my favourites oh and rachel and roxy

there is this short girl who is like really pretty and well HOT and im gay but i cant stoip thinking about her *CONFUSED*

anyways i must go shower

me is a happy little munchiken
scars have cleared up and dryed! no more dripping blood
and the prozac is now kicking in
and suddenly life is beautiful
life is worth having
i love my friends at tafe THEY IS AWESOME
and the boy i like is sooooo purfect

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL! ITS TRUE

Im on the road to a new me!!
so im told
where the world is beautiful and everyone has bright smiles and the sun is shinning
PLEASE i think im gonna throw up!!!
You see after a BEAUTIFUL 2 week period, falling to old habits, im now blessed with 6 new scars up my arm 4 of which are still healing!
i must admit it was quite a stupid thing to do! but hey it makes the pain go away!
So now the great docotor ugly fuck has me on Lovan(prozac) 1 a day for now! and of course my customary 3 lithiums a day!
I must say i feel like a kid at a candy store! we have my hidden pills i have collected over the years! now i have my 1 1/2 bottles of liuthium and some prozac! you see i could end it 2morrow just OD on them all!
NOT quite the way i would prefer. i was going for the more dramatic one of having my skull shatter into bloddy pieces as i hit the pavement beneath my hotel of choice! As mr manson says if your gonna do something do it right and make it be known that you were there!
but hey you gotta do what ya gotsta do do !
I just gotta remember above floor 10! i dont wana be no vegtable eeew that would just be sick!
So im off on my journey to happy land! im so excited i might pee myself! NOT

i cut myself today
three times
i dont actually expect anyone to give a fuck!
because no one knows one thing i feel inside
im good at lying and you will never see!
i havent eaten since friday and wont till wednesday week
so great to be poor
with no one!

every morning i wake up i wish i was dead
i hate myself and want to die
PUT THAT UNDER YOUR SKIN

Im laying in my bed. Another failure again.
Im empty,
Stepped up. But not past the anxiety,
Im naked for all to see,
My cold sweat, lack of confidence. I Am Me.
Failed my support, failed me,
The pressure from society, I can't deal
I can't break in, I can't be me.
A walking contradiction
I can not settle. Though I have tried
I potrayed Me to be confident, someone above the real
Me is anxious, pathetic, empty. I Am Me.
A pill to numb Me, A pill to hide my frown,
Inside im still dead to the world. My feelings underground.
Stabbed the back of others to get ahead,
But life has stabbed me back a thousand times
Im surronded by dark lithium walls and happy covers.
And I Have lied,
Lied to the lover, lied to the friend
We all live this lie, just to die in the end.
I have failed my many challenges
Lived in fear of others, built up my thick skinned covers
Ive danced to the song of anger, felt the razor of shame
Remember every single sadness and that of pain.
Welcome to my mind. Hold on its a bumpy ride
Those who have there fake smiles
Will be slain.

i dont know what it is about me that attracts messed up fucking assholes!
i swear if i didnt have my fucking meds id have a new slash in my arm!
i cant hand;e the fucking emotional roller coaster life puts me through ive had enough I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE
im fucking sick of everyones crap
DO I HAVE RUBBISH BIN ON MY FUCKING FOREHEAD???
everything i do is a mistake. i hate the world everyday that i wake up. And the stupid fucks who make it worse for me are everywhere.
How do i help myself. when really i just wana die ?
i cant bare to be alone but cant cope with the mindless drivele that people constantly are saying.
Why can u meet a nice boy who wants to be friends then he kisses u so u kiss him back then he flops it out so u put it in your mouth. Yet its me who is the one who is " going to far" WELL FUCK YOU.
This world aint as pretty as its made out to be
love is a lead on to heart break
birth is a lead to death
ITS FUCKED !!!

You ever get that feeling where it is wrong to be who you are??
Like if for one minute you were someone else people wouldnt care if you spoke ur mind, if u looked different.
Why do i feel so unacceptable for being who i am. Yet we are all equals but i am supposed to change who i am for the sake of everyone else.
Do i live alone because i am me. Or do i decide to change who i am and be miserable and plastic to fit in?
I think i will follow the lead of a lady i adore and use a line from her song as my new moto "I am me and i wont change for anyone"

I want to move away far far away and see my friends in sweden :) i miss them and its shit here so i should go anyways.
Im working on a new drawing at the moment and constantly writing.
so wana be a singer.

I love me